Home > creative, haha > so it’s been a while since i posted, b/c my life h…

so it’s been a while since i posted, b/c my life h…

so it’s been a while since i posted, b/c my life has been insane for the past month. i won’t write much now, as i have a final for Construction4 in about 1.5 hrs, but i thought i’d share my response to an email from Mrs. Mary Kabah. Mrs. Kabah claims to be the wife of the former Minsiter of blah blah blah and she has loads of money for me to invest blah blah blah if i’ll serve as a go-between while she transfers her money from some undisclosed location blah blah blah if i’ll contact her blah blah blah and eventually give her my bank account # so that she can deposit millions and millions of dollars. natch.

really, this was a piss poor version of this scam. she didn’t specify an amount of money, she didn’t tell me why i’d be such a great candidate for transferring money, her grammar and spelling were atrocious, and lastly her email address was so fucking bogus that not even a complete dimwad would give her a bank account#.

and so, w/o further ado, here is the email from ‘Mrs. Mary Kabah’, followed by my response.

::::

Good day,

Certainly yes, this proposal may come to you as a surprise. It is a privilege and it demands an utmost confidentiality and honesty. My name is Mrs. Mary Kabah wife of the former minister of mineral resources/economic planning in the presidency of tijan Kabah of Sierra Leone. My husband died recently as a result of an acute heart problem.

Right now, the funds are in a security company which has affiliate offices in Europe, Asia and West African. I am currently on transit awaiting an honest overseas partner for negotiations.

Though it is my desire to go into property investments or any other area of your choice you may advice. I have also mapped-out 20% commission for your assistance including any expenses you may incur before the successful completion of this transaction.

So if you’re interested to assist in this regard, kindly confirm this message upon receipt

Through my e-mail address,: mkabah@indiatimes.com to enable me know my next line of action and give you enough details and how we will work things out.

Awaiting your earliest response soonest. mkabah@indiatimes.com

Best Regards,

Mrs.Mary Kabah

mkabah@indiatimes.com

::::::

MY REPLY:

Wow! I can’t believe I was lucky enough to be the recipient of this impersonal email from – of all people – the wife of the fomer Minister of Mineral Resources of Sierra Leone! Really, I must say that’s quite incredible! I have to ask, why did you pick me? Me, of all people – a poor graduate student studying architecture. Again, I’m quite lucky.

I can’t say my investment skills are really too keen, but since you seem to have such faith in my abilities to advise you on an undisclosed sum of money (which I must presume to be at least $50 million), I’d have to say that glue sticks are the way to go. As you know, there are many things in this world that need to be stuck together – 2 sheets of paper for instance. And just how do you expect those things to remain stuck together? Magic? No! Glue is the answer! And glue sticks provide a way to easily apply glue to whatever surface needs to be stuck to something. It’s a no-brainer, really. The glue stick industry is completely under-invested, and that means you can get on board while it’s still cheap!

With that out of the way, I’d like to ask about your family. How are they doing, now that the President Tijan Kabah has been thrown out of power? Please pardon my ignorance, I am not current with the news of Sierra Leone. If I misunderstood the fomer presiden’ts name, I apologize. I hope that your husband provided well for you all, and I understand that it is my duty, as a completely random person that you picked out of a hat, to help you invest his untold millions of dollars in foreign investments. Also, I’m rather curious how you managed to obtain an email address with the India Times, and Indian news source? Is India the location of the security company in charge of your funds? Are you freelancing as a journalist while awaiting the transfer of these funds? I apologize if I appear nosy, but it’s rather curious.

Again, I look forward to helping you, a person completely unknown to me, transfer a large sum of money from an unknown security firm in an undisclosed location to the American stock market, specifically investing in glue sticks. Until we speak again, good luck with your pseudo-career of journalism, and may your family be healthy and happy.

Sincerely,

Speedy Gonzalez

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